Amanda (minthoney) wrote in dog_tales,

Keller (blind/deaf 14yo Cocker Spaniel)

Although I haven't responded to many comments, I have read them all and cherish each one of them. Thank you all so much for your support and kind words through this difficult time for us.

Well, it's over. Keller is gone. She's an angel now. She can both see and hear now. I bet she's looking down on me thinking "So THAT's what she looks like!" I hope she thinks I'm as pretty as I think she was.

Keller and I spent the day together just like any other day. She slept really well that day in bed with me. The night before I had ordered a T-bone from work so that I could eat some of it and leave the rest for her. I wanted to use it to distract her from what was going to happen. I set up a blanket on the kitchen floor where she was used to laying. She and I laid on the floor with the steak while we waited for Dr. Stacy. She had called to say she would be a bit late, and the anxiety was starting to get to me. When she pulled in, Keller and I met her outside. Dr. Stacy had never met Keller before but she realized immediately how beautiful she was. Keller hit the grass and went pee like routine, then she began to circle. I picked her up before she got too worked up.

I invited Dr. Stacy and her assistant, Patrick, inside. I didn't want the whole procedure to be a big deal...I just wanted to distract my girl and let her go peacefully. The three of us sat down on the floor while I hugged Keller. I held her like this while the doctor gave her the first injection near her hip. This was supposed to calm her down and get her ready. I sat Indian-style on the floor and Keller laid in my lap, panting, but only slightly. She was very calm. She relaxed for about five minutes while I kind of explained the whole situation to Dr. Stacy. Finally, she asked me if we were ready...and I didn't hesitate. As she laid in my lap, the doctor shaved a small section of her forearm. Then she inserted the needle. It was a lot of liquid and it looked very thick. She started injecting Keller very very very slowly. I held her in my lap with one hand underneath her. I felt her heart go from rapid, to less rapid, to normal, to slower, to slow, until I couldn't feel her heart at all anymore. I knew she was gone...and there was a little bit more medicine to inject. As soon as I felt her heart stop a few tears fell from my eyes, but that was it. I used my free hand to close her eyes. I kissed the top of her head as I told her what a good girl she is. I told her I'd miss her and that she was an angel now. I told her she didn't have to be tired anymore. She didn't have to run in circles, she didn't have to miss me anymore. She could sleep well now.

She laid there in my lap while they did an imprint of her paw for me. I held her in my lap for a little while as the doctor and I spoke about other dogs we knew in common, like Vandi and Brynn's dog Duke that I'm sitting for this weekend. Finally she asked me if I was ready for them to take Keller. I didn't want it to be awkward, so I offered to carry her out. She felt so...heavy. So heavy and so...floppy. She's my girl. My good girl! I hugged her very tightly as I walked her out to the car. I placed her on the sheet in the doctor's backseat. Her tongue was sticking out, so I told her to stick it back in her mouth and I helped her. :( She was a happy girl to be gone, I think.

I had been warned that she might release her bladder or bowels, or a slight groan. None of these things happened. She went peacefully and was so very ready and tired. It wasn't a very traumatizing experience, honestly. It's just lonely without her. I've been keeping her in mind with every decision I've made with how to use my time for the past six months. I've had to worry about her, wonder about her, and plan for her. She's been a constant responsibility of mine. It's just...different without her here. I'm more free, but it's uncomfortable. I'm used to planning for her...and ignoring anything keeping me at home has been very awkward. I have Guinness and Duke here with me for the weekend, and I am so thankful for that. I still have my Ary and Ada, but things just won't be the same for awhile. I have to clean the house on Sunday. Finally the house will be clean and stay clean without Keller the peedog. I think it'll be hard coming home and now smelling her. Not running up the stairs from my car in excitement to see her. I really did look forward to her waking up as she smelled me walk in the door. I'd always try and trick her and see how long it would take her to notice I was home, but it never took her long. She was such a very good girl. SUCH a good dog...and now she's a very happy girl too.

I love you Keller with all my heart and I thank you for teaching me the most devoted form of patience I could ever experience. I am so glad you are no longer are my angel.

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